How do I answer my children’s questions about what is going to happen?

The first thing to bear in mind is that children will wonder what is happening whether you tell them the truth or not. They are sensitive to their emotional environment and will pick up on feelings and changes in mood, despite any attempts to hide them. What you don’t say will be imagined, such as that they have done something wrong or that they aren’t loved any more, so it is important to tell them what is going on in a sensitive way while offering lots of reassurance. It is probably better to tell them yourself directly, seeing as you will be continuing to support them later, but this might feel too difficult to manage. You might therefore prefer to have someone who works with children in this area telling your child, with you in the room to comfort and reassure them.

It is important not to diminish the seriousness of the situation by giving partial or factually incorrect information. The truth will become apparent in time whatever you tell the child, so it is important to ensure that nothing you say will be contradicted later. You need to retain the child’s trust so try and be honest with them at all times. A ‘right time’ might never present itself, so it’s more important to get the information across so the child knows what is happening. This is better than leaving them to ask increasingly difficult questions, which become increasingly difficult to answer.

Try not to become concerned if your child seems unaffected or ambivalent about the information once you have given it to them. Children tend to be more natural with their emotions than adults, and they won’t react or respond just because you expect them to. They often take the information away with them and think about it later on, sometimes at unexpected times such as when they are in the middle of playing. It is important to offer reassurance and be there to comfort them when they feel they need it. Try and let them decide when to bring the matter up for discussion, as they are usually very good at picking a time when they are best able to deal with it.

Another thing to remember is that children are good at switching on and off from the seriousness of the situation. In many ways, we would do well to learn from them in this way. Scientific studies have shown that a healthy response in times of crisis and during prolonged stress is to switch on and off from confronting the difficulties. This is known as a Confrontational / Avoidant approach, and it involves taking time out to switch onto more distracting and pleasant pursuits to give the mind and emotions time to recharge. Children will therefore have a real need to do fun things as usual, and you should continue to make sure they have plenty opportunities to play and feel that things are normal (even though it is obvious things are anything but normal). It will probably do you good to take some time out with them, so try and put serious discussions aside at these times. With children, there is definitely a time for seriousness and a time for play, so try not to confuse the two.

When visiting a patient in the hospital with children, make sure they have something to occupy their minds. Their sensitivity to emotional undercurrents might cause them to misbehave or to become very quiet, so having something for them to lose themselves in is always a good idea. They also tend to have shorter attention spans and are more sensitive to what is going on around them, so try not to stay overly long during visits, and it might be good idea to take them somewhere fun directly after the visit, like a fast-food station or an activity centre. Changes in the appearance of the patient due to weight or hair loss can be explained before the visit so that the child is prepared. This might prevent them from asking questions directly to the patient, who might be upset by it. The main thing to tell them in preparation is that although the person might look different, they are the same person they were before.

You may not have all the answers to the questions the child might ask, but don’t feel bad about it.  It’s fine to say you don’t know the answer to something and it’s more honest than telling them something that isn’t true. Remember, being honest is what matters most. Stick to the facts and don’t use flowery language.  Obscuring the truth and the harsh reality by being evasive lessens the chances of the child grasping what you are saying to them, which can then lead to confusion and distrust.

If you would like to talk with someone who can advise you on talking to children, your District Nurse, Community Macmillan Nurse or Social Worker can put you in touch with organisations that may be able to help